A MINISTER OF THE GOSPEL, IN THE SOCIETY OF FRIENDS.

"Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul." Ps. lxvi. 16.

IT hath been in my heart for many years, to leave behind me a brief relation of the Lord's dealings with me, from my youth up to this day, for the encouragement of the young to faithfulness and continual trust and confidence in the Lord, who is never wanting to those that truly depend upon him, either in temporal or spiritual mercies.

nor by the priest, I went on in the same, grieving the holy Spirit of God in myself; not yet knowing what it was that reproved me in secret for these things; though, through the Lord's great mercy and goodness to me, I was addicted to no worse evils in all my life.

Nevertheless, when the Searcher of all hearts came by his light to open my underI was born at Rickmansworth, in Hertford- standing, and to set my sins in order before shire, in the year 1657, of honest parents, me, and to make known what it was that rewho educated me in the profession of the pub- proved me for my mispent time, then, oh! then lic worship of the church of England. My it was, that the day of Jacob's trouble was mother died when I was very young; but witnessed. Oh! dreadful was it to me, to whilst she lived, she was a tender, affection- consider how I had overlooked the reproofs of ate parent to me, almost to excess. One in the Almighty! and often was I ready to bestance of her affection was very remarkable: moan myself after this manner;-Oh! that I I being at one time very weak, and as was had but had parents that could have informed supposed nigh unto death, the exercise thereof me that those things for which I was reproved was so hard to her, that she fell down upon were evil; or that those reproofs I often felt her knees, and prayed the Lord to take her in secret were of the Spirit of the Lord! and spare me; which he did, for what end was best known to himself.

surely I never would have done as I did: but neither my parents, nor the priest, taught me I continued at home with my father till any such doctrine; both of them counting about the age of sixteen years, under the those things but innocent and harmless diversharp government of a mother-in-law, whose sions. And as for the light, and grace, or austerity to me made me weary of living with Spirit of God, that reproved me, I had never her, insomuch that I left my father's house, heard there was any such thing so near me, and went to service, that I might live more at as I felt it and found it. Then was I grieved peace than I had done. The Lord in mercy to think the Lord of glory should have so long remembered me, and looked upon my affliction knocked at the door of my dark heart, and in that day, though I was not yet come to the knowledge of the truth: and he followed me in those days with his reproofs in my conscience for the sins of my youth; which were dancing, singing, telling idle stories, and some other pastimes, into which youth are too liable to

run.

And not being reproved by my parents,

waited for entrance, and that I had so long kept out him who still followed me with his judgments, and in great mercy to my poor soul, often brought me into deep sorrow.

The consideration of my latter end be laid weightily before me, and the thoughts of eter nity, and the words "ever and ever," laid fast

hold of me.

Then, oh! the trouble and surprise I was in, insomuch that I could not tell what course to take, neither unto whom to discover my distressed condition. Sometimes I have gone into company, and striven that way to divert my sorrow, but that would not do; and then I would seek some secret place, and there I would fall upon my knees, and pour out my spirit before the Lord, begging for mercy and forgiveness at his hands.

worship, and that of those among whom I went. After some time of silence, a woman stood up and spoke, whose testimony affected my heart, and tendered my spirit, so that I could not refrain from weeping: but, alas! alas! after the meeting was over, the enemy soon prevailed again, and darkened that little sense I had, by his instruments without and suggestions within, so that I went no more to any such meeting for several years.

The time being come to go to my service at the justice's, my mistress, before I had been long with her, would be often saying, "This Alice will be a Quaker:" though still I had no such thoughts; but through the Lord's goodness to me, I spent all my spare time either in reading or in getting alone, or in some reli

faithful to the trust that my master and mistress reposed in me, to their satisfaction, and my own too, being well pleased with my place.

Now I am about to relate, how the wise hand of the Almighty guided me. After I left my father's house, I went inquiring for a place, and soon heard of one, where I continued some time, and was well beloved in the family, and I served them honestly, and in love. But it may not be amiss to state how I spent my time at my first service, with relation to religious performance, and continued diligent and gion, which was after this manner: I kept close and constant, as opportunity permitted, in going to the public worship, and very often went alone into private places to pray, and greatly delighted to read the Scriptures, and to get passages by heart; and when my hand has been in my labour, my heart was meditating on good matter, and I was very glad that I was from my father's house, because of the quietness I enjoyed. I was often comforted in my heart in those days, though I knew not from whence it came.

As I thus continued in well-doing, according to the best of my knowledge, the Lord was pleased to appear to me in an extraordinary manner, and a sweet visitation I had; for I was led into a deep silence before the Lord, there to wait, and durst not utter words, notwithstanding I had gathered much, in the brain, of good words and Scripture sentences; but now I came to see that would not do. After this manner that time was spent, and a good time it was to me: it was the Lord's doing, and he shall have the praise of it; blessed be his name for ever!

After some time, I went to live at the house of a justice of the peace, where my first husband and I became acquainted. But I should first notice, that I went for a short time to a brother's house before I entered into my second service, and while I was there, heard a report about the neighbourhood of a woman preacher, greatly esteemed among the Quakers, and who was to be at one of their meetings not far from my brother's house. Some of the neighbours, in curiosity, had a mind to hear and see, and asked me to go with them; to which I consented. When I came to the meeting, it made a great impression upon my mind. The solidity of the people, and the weighty frame of spirit they were under, occasioned many deep thoughts to pass through my heart, by beholding so much difference between their way of

It was in this family, as I said before, that I became acquainted with my first husband, Daniel Smith, who in love made suit to me, and we continued together in that family near two years. About the end of that time, it pleased the Lord to visit me with sore lameness occasioned by a wrench in my ancle; but for some time longer I continued in my

service.

That winter my master and mistress removing to London, had not occasion for so many servants in town as they kept in the country; some they dismissed, and my mistress provided a place for me till summer, when they were to return. At this place I received hurt, as to my spiritual condition. Here I had no help towards heaven, but the contrary, by the ill example of vain and irreligious conversation in that family. I therefore caution young people to take especial care what company they join, and to fly from bad associates as from a serpent; for surely it was a sore venom to me, because it helped to drive good things out of my mind, and forgetfulness of God followed, which caused me to have many a sorrowful hour, when the Lord brought me to a sense of it. Blessed be his name, he did not permit me to go on long in this state: for now my lameness grew worse, and the time came that I was to leave this family, and to return to my former master, the justice, where I longed to be, because it was a more orderly family.

I fain would have been well of my lameness in my own time, that I might be able to go through my business; but I found the more I strove for a cure, the worse I grew, insomuch that I was obliged to go home to my father's house, which was no small exercise, on account of my mother-in-law. But blessed be

the Lord, the day of his love was still length-witness arose, which caused sore distress of ened out, though in judgment, yet mixed with mind; and in this condition, I seemed just mercy. Great was my pain in body, and about to step out of time into eternity. I saw, much greater my sorrow of mind: in this if I died in this state, my portion must be with affliction, like Israel of old, I cried to the the unbelievers and disobedient, in the lake Lord for help; for now I saw, if he did not help me, I was undone for ever. As for man's help I despaired of it, for I tried many to no purpose, so that great and many were my cries and prayers to God, to restore me, resolving to serve him in newness of life. This was the covenant I was ready to make with him. Oh! the matchless mercies, and long forbearance of a good and gracious God, to a poor, distressed, disconsolate, and unworthy creature!

that burns with fire and brimstone for evermore. And just would God have been, if he had cut me off for my covenant-breaking, and disobedience: dreadful it was to me, to behold my time so short, and the work I had to do so great. Oh! the horror and amazement I lay under, to think how to endure the torment I deserved. Let the thoughts of this sink deep into the heart of every one who reads these lines, that they may become prepared, and truly fitted for the kingdom of rest Very remarkable was the faithfulness and and peace, when pale death looks them in the constancy of my dear friend, Daniel Smith, face. Then will it be easier with them than afterwards my husband, who, in all my it was with me; for no mortal can tell the distress and weakness, never shrunk in his disquiet I lay in for several nights and days, love to me, but continued constant, though looking for that dreadful sentence, Depart I was brought to be a poor cripple and went hence, for time to thee shall be no more." Oh! with crutches; and he was a comely, hand- the fervent cries and prayers I put up to the some man, and had now entered upon a farm, Lord at this time, that he would be pleased to where he was likely to do very well, and spare me this one time more; and I begged all seemingly might have had far better matches. that came near me, to pray for me. My cry He, like an honest man, never regarded that, was, Spare me a little longer, and try me but continued firm and constant, and waited once more, and I will become a new creature." two years to see how the Lord would deal Thus I ventured once again to enter into with me; and at the end, seeing no amend- covenant with the Lord; who, in great mercy ment, proposed marriage to me, and accord- and pity, looked upon me, and spared, and ingly we were married. A faithful, tender, pardoned, and raised me from the brink of loving husband I had in him; who provided the grave. Oh! the boundless mercies of for me all things that were needful and com- God; how shall they be sufficiently set forth fortable; a mercy and blessing I hope I shall by me! everlasting glory be given unto him; never forget; and his constancy and faithful- let all that is within me praise his name. And ness are worthy to be recorded. The bless- forasmuch as it pleased him to hear my peing of God was his reward in this life, and Itition, and to raise me up again, and to give have no doubt that he is at peace with his and me a little strength, a remembrance of that my God. state seized me daily, and called for the performance of my vows and promises to become a new creature.

My lameness in a few months grew better, so that I left my crutch, and could go pretty well. But, oh! it was to be lamented, that I missed the way; for being recovered from my lameness, and grown strong, living in heart's content with a loving husband, and outward things prospering, I forgot, like Israel of old, the tender dealings and mercies of so gracious a God, and the promises and covenants I had made with him; and I gave myself what liberty my unstable mind desired.

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And now I began, according to the best of my knowledge, after this manner: morning and evening I failed not to pray, and to read the Scriptures and other books which I took to be good ones, constantly going to the public worship if able; also resolving to have a care both of my words and actions, and to act justly by all men. And I thought I would walk very humbly before the Lord, in order to become a new creature; for he let me see that it was holiness he called for at my hands, and that it was my duty to persevere therein, not for a day, a week, a month, or a year; but if I would be saved, I must hold out to the end.

Thus I went on for about one year and a half after marriage; when the Lord, with an eye of pity, looked upon my wretched and miserable condition, and laid his hand upon me, in order to awaken me out of this false ease, and by sickness brought me near to death. Then my conscience being thoroughly Notwithstanding I set myself strictly to awakened, I beheld my backslidings and diso-observe the aforesaid performances, many bedience with amazement: horror and con- months had not gone over my head, before demnation took fast hold upon me, and the I found a very strange alteration and opera

tion in me, the like I had never felt before;
the foundation of the earth within me began
to be shaken, and strange and wonderful it
was to me. I had hoped, that now being
found in the aforesaid practice, I should have
witnessed peace and comfort, but behold the
contrary; instead of peace, came trouble and
sorrow, wars and commotions; I feared that
my condition was such, that never was the
like; not knowing that the messenger of the
covenant was coming to his temple, even he
whom my soul had been seeking; and that
he must sit there, that is, in my heart, "as a
refiner with fire," and "as a fuller with soap,
to clear his own place," which was defiled by
the usurper, who had taken up his habitation |
there too long. Oh! it was a long time in-
deed that the Lord of life and glory was kept
out of his habitation, for an entrance into
which he had waited and knocked nearly
twenty years; in which time there was much
fuel for the fire, and much work for the re-
finer, whose skilful, as well as merciful hand,
preserved me in the furnace. The bad part
in me was so great, and the good so small,
that I thought all would perish together: for
the heat of that fire in my heart was great
and terrible, so that, like David, I was ready
to say, "My bones are all out of joint ;" and
in the depth of my distress, the enemy was
very strong with his temptations. But oh!
the kindness of God to me in that day, " for
then did succour come in the time of need."
The old adversary was strong, and not wil-
ling to lose his habitation, and have his goods
spoiled; but Christ, the stronger, overcame
him in due time, and cast him out, and
blessed be God, in a good measure, spoiled
his goods.
The strugglings that I felt in
those times, I hope will never be forgotten;
and my desire is, that these lines of experi-
ence may, and I do believe they will, be of
service to some poor distressed traveller, that
may have such steps to trace.

gave me to see, "that he was a liar from the beginning."

Indeed, had not a secret hand of power sup ported me in this my bewildered state, I had surely fainted, and laid down in the depth of despair. Day and night were alike to me; there was no flying from the " presence of the Lord, and his righteous judgments," which pursued me, and were now poured upon the transgressing nature in me, which had long continued, and taken deep root. Now was the refiner's fire very hot, in order to burn up the dross and the tin. Oh! happy man and happy woman, that doth thus abide the day of his coming; for sure I am, "his fan is in his hand," and if men will but submit when he appears, he will thoroughly do that for them which no other can do," purge the floor," which is man's heart, where the chaff is to be burnt.

This is the baptism that doth people good; may the Lord bring thousands more through this inward experience to make an offering to God in righteousness; for nothing short of it will do, or stand in the great and notable day of the Lord.

After this manner did the Almighty in great loving-kindness deal with me, his judgments being mixed with mercy to the unworthiest of thousands. And as I continued in patience, resolving to press forward towards the mark, various were the inward states I passed through. Yet by the assistance of the light of Christ, without which, I had surely fallen in the vast howling wilderness, where so many dangers did attend, I came to witness in the Gospel dispensation, what Israel of old passed through, while in Egypt's land and by the Red Sea; and their travels through the deeps, with their coming up on the banks of deliverance; and likewise their travels through the great and terrible wilderness, where were the fiery serpents and scorpions, and the drought, wherein there was no water, as in Deut. viii. 15.

I thought, that if I had met with the account of any that had gone through such ex- Marvellous it is to think, that I should ever ercise, it would have been some help to me. be preserved through these diversities of states, I searched the Scriptures from one end to the and that altogether without the assistance of other, and read several books, but I thought any outward instrument, which, blessed be none reached my state to the full. The third God, many now have; for I was still under the chapter of Lamentations, and many of the hireling teachers, to whom I very frequently Psalms, and the seventh of the Romans did resorted, and fain would I have settled under somewhat affect me at times, whereby a little them. I was constant in resorting to the hope would arise in the thought that the wri- steeple-house; but sorrowful I went in, and ters of these had passed through something of it. And, oh! the bitter whisperings of satan, and the thoughts that passed through my mind, such as my very soul hated! yet such were the suggestions of the enemy, that he would charge them upon me, as if they were my own. But the Lord, in his own due time,

so I came out, week after week, and month after month, seeking among the dead forms and shadows, the living Lord, who is not to be found there.

And well might it be so with me, for want of the Lord Jesus Christ, whom my very soul desired more than any outward enjoyment.

I was grieved at my very heart in that day, to behold the barrenness of both priest and people. I looked for some fruits of sobriety, especially in the time of worship; but I saw some light and airy, with actions of pride; others rude and wanton; and some sleeping; and so little solidity, that I was often ready to say to myself, "Is there no people that serve the Lord better than these?" For I observed with sorrow, that they would be talking of their farms and trades, till they came to the very door, and again as soon as they came out; of which thing I thought not well. But still I continued under my exercise, grievously weighed down, and bowed in my spirit; wishing in the morning, would to God it were evening, and in the evening longing for morning. So great was the horror I lay under, that I often wished I had never been born.

I give thee this answer, and in much simplicity and integrity of heart. As I continued under the aforesaid exercise, it frequently ran through my mind, "Go to the Quakers;" and as intelligible it was to my understanding, as if I had heard an outward voice. But I was not hasty to give up to that motion, fearing and doubting, lest it should be the enemy of my soul, to deceive and beguile me, and lead me into errors; and so I continued going to the public worship of the church of England. At last no peace nor comfort could I find there, but still the voice followed me, "Go to the Quakers;" but I still lingered for the aforesaid reasons. Then came into my mind that passage in the tenth of the Acts of the apostles, concerning Cornelius, who had continued a long time in prayers and alms, and an angel from God was sent to direct him to send for Simon Peter, who should tell him what to do. These Scriptures opened plainly in my mind; but notwithstanding I had enough to reason within myself, saying in my heart:-As for Cornelius, an angel directed him, but as for me, what do I see? (not then knowing what an angel was; which is a ministering spirit :) I only hear, as it were, a voice within me, saying, "Go to the Quakers," and I may be deceived if I heed it. So I strove against the motions of the Spirit of Truth, not knowing I was under that dispensation, "wherein God speaks now to us by his Son, in the hearts of his people."

But now it was not long before I came to witness some tenderness spring in my heart, that had been so long hard. I could weep in the sense of my lost and undone state; for as yet I knew not where to look, or wait for the appearance of Christ, although I had felt all these inward workings and strivings. And when I felt a little ease or comfort, I felt it within; where indeed was my grief and wound; though not knowing that God was so near me, or who conveyed it to my soul. I thought that God was only in the heavens above the skies; for the Scriptures were as a sealed book to me, and I knew not that he Yet such was the mercy and love of God was so near to me, as by his light to let me to me, that in this time of my ignorance and see the outgoings of my mind, and the very infancy, he was pleased in great mercy still to thoughts and intents of my heart. However, follow me: so that I can truly say, I witnessed at times I felt a little warmth in my heart, and the Scripture to be fulfilled, where it is said, a breathing to God on this wise; "Oh! Lord, "In the day of thy power, thy people shall be make me one of thy fold, a sheep of thy willing." It was no less than the power of pasture." These cries to God, and little else, God that constrained me to go and hear what passed through my heart, for many months; sort of doctrine was preached by them, for I for that was the first good desire he begot in had never but once heard any of those people me, after he led me through judgment for sin. preach, and that was five or six years before. Then the light, or good Spirit of Christ, which And after long struggling and reasoning, I inis one, let me see plainly that I was not in quired for a Quaker's meeting, and was insociety with his flock: therefore the cry re- formed of the place and day. I went, not acmained, "Lord, make me one of thy fold, a quainting any body where I was going; neisheep of thy pasture;" for as yet I did not ther had I opened my condition to any one, see who they were, nor where they were folded. nor could I. When I came to the meeting, But as I continued thus exercised, the Lord there I saw a small number of people waiting was pleased to discover his people to me, after upon the Lord, and after some time a servant many mournful nights and days. But indeed of God stood up, and declared such things as it was a great cross to me, and great suffer- I had never heard before from any, whereby ings I went through, before I could submit to my state was fully spoken to; so that I could be counted "a fool amongst the people of set my seal to it, that it was the truth. The God," with whom now I have true unity, and power that attended the testimony reached to I bless God for the privilege. the witness of God in my heart; and a zeal

If any should question, and say, "How for him was raised within me, by the hopes camest thou to have these people discovered that were begotten, through the preaching of to thee by the Lord, as thou sayest?" Truly the word of truth.