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first. Yet, because hee knew not the place, hee demanded of him thus:
Sith your worship’s godhead hath vouchsafed to commaund my companie to so famous a feast; let it not displease your maiestie to put me in memorie of the place; else, by the Masse t, I promise you, I feare mee, I shall neuer finde out your honours house: I pray you, Şir, how do you call it ?
To resolue this doubt, quoth Bacchvs, vnderstand therefore, that my mansion-house is called Alepotto, scituate on the south-side of Quaflington, enquire for mee at the sigue of the Scarlet Nose, and from thence shalt thou bee set aright into Beerebury-lane, so that, being there, thou canst not misse to finde out my palace, for thou shalt plainely see it before thine
eyes, Hereat Tom Typsay made a long legge, vowing to be there without faile; and Bacchus, willing to dismisse him, blessed the tapsters tankard with part of his bovntie, and thereupon departed.
Thus the tapster in great haste hies him home as mery as any hare in the moneth of March. For whereas, before this so comfortable a conference, he was so lazie, that euery foote seemed to haue a leaden heele; euerie legge in such a quandarie, as though they had tooke some new acquaintance with the goute; yea his
head so heavie, as if it had beene harnessed in an horse-nightcap; and his whole bodie so distempered, as though he had beene prickt to the very heart with a belclapper. Beholde, nowe the case is altred, and hee is altogether become another man; for now he is as nimble as a dogs tạile, as couragious as a butterflie, and as merrie at the heart as the best pair of bagpipes in all the countrey.
But as times are altred, so diųers accidents are inferred, Happie was Midas, when it was graunted unto him, that all which hee touched should bee golde; but soone haples againe, when his meate was metamorphosed into metall, and he with his wish feady to starue, Glad was Acteon at the sight of Diana, when shee bathed herselfe amongst her nimphes; but luckles was his lot, when shortly after hee became himselfe a present pray to bee devoured of his owne dogs, And joyfnll was Tom Typsay in remembraunce of the boyntie of his god Bacchvs; but sorrowfull, alas ! at his returne, when first he came within the viewe of his wife : for shee, as is the maner of all headie huswiues, whose tonguest are more ready to raue, than their hands to worke, not sticking one ivt to teache him a newe lesson, tooke him roundly by the topping, and welcomed bim home after this maner.
Ab, ah, Sirra! I see by astronomie that the moone is eyen now at full, and the signe settled just in the nose ; in so much that, as by all mathematicall probabilities I doe conjecture, backe and bellie may this yeare both goe bare, so that there be no want of harnes for the head, Well, well, I need not to tel thee what thou art, the gilding of thy nose sufficiently bewraies thy good behauiour. In so much that either Luna hath come downe alone, and, in taking thee for her olde En
• An old Popish oath.
hath made thee her newe moone face; or, as thy tottering too and fro doth plainely testifie, thou hast had some long tariance at Simon Soakers house, the coppernose smith, your euer assured friend. But one thing assure thee, for so I am certainely perswaded, that as the diuell hath already dubbed thee for a drunkard; so hereafter one time or other, but neuer too late, Don Tyburne will-inuite thee to a liueles feast, and teach thee the crosse caper in a halfepennie halter. And thus in a fustian fume she flung away.
If true it be, as many report, that a crust queanes tongue is as sharpe as a razor; experience then proueth, that this poore shaueling needed no better a barber. However it be, I will referre it to their rehearsall, which haue had their crownes smoothed as well with a crabtree combe, as those which haue tried the sharpnes of the sisers.
But euen as the clap of the thunder, the greater it is, the sooner it ceaseth ; and the blastes of Boreas, the more furious they are, the lesse while is their continuance; so likewise, a womans mouth, the more full
; it is of wordes, the lesse it is of force, and sooner it wasteth into winde. The falling out of louers is the renewing of loue, and the bitterness of the tongue is easely seasoned with the sweetness of the lippes; for what with pleasing speeches, sweete conceipts, the clinking of the pot, and the drinking of new Nectar, these two sweete soules became both as one, and the heate of their former furies were frozen vp as it were into a lake of euerlasting loue.
Thus whiles this couple continued in solacing themselues to their hearts content, behold Whitsontide drew on; and to be briefe, away they both do walke to the banquet ; but, because these guestes were wrapped vp in their chiefest roabes, it will not be amisse to describe tbem in their cheefest brauery, as they passed along on their journey.
THE tapsters hat was all in blew,
His shoulders did like horseloues stand,
Now, as concerning the costly attire of the tapsters wife, becanse ! am in haste at this time, I am rather willing to slip ouer so cumber some a matter with silence, than to trouble idle heads with matters of so great importance.
As they thus traueled togeather, at length they obteined their long desired hauen, and entered into the pallace of good Bacchvs, where they were so worthilie entertayned, that the sunne in his midday sphcare, shining out most brightlie, doth scarce halfe represent such glorie, as was, by report, seene in this feast. For whereas commonly now a daies, we either iņuite them of our acquaintance, or such whose newfound friendship may be as mcapes to cure olde soares: this mightie god, Bacchvs, to the wonder of the worlde, inuiteth not onely such as bee his familiars, but men altogether vnknowne, as well the poore as the riche. See then the goodnes of this so gracious a god, al yee, which in the
, driest drought of summer, had rather shroude your throates with a handfull of hemp, than with the expence of an odde Crinclepouch", wash yourselues within and without, and make yourselues as mery as dawes; yea learne yee niggards at god Bacchvs to bee lively; whose especiall fauor spreads out itselfe so far, that euery nation doth magnifie his name, euery countrey speakes in his commendation, and all people paint him out with pen and pensill, in so much, that Iupiter himselfe doth wonder at his worthines.
But, to returne from whence I came : their entertaynment, I say, was such, that they rather thought themselues transported into Paradice, that place of pleasure, than remayning in any earthly habitation; for there they saw a royal resort, as well of all lands and languages, as of all degrees and callings whatsoeuer.
There was Ganimedes sent from Iupiter, to imploy his seruice at Bacchus table; there was halting Hebe sent from Luno to furnish this feast with all solemnitie. There was Sylenus, a stately seruitour, waiting at euery winke, and preyenting euery want. Yes, such was the
boynty of Bacchvs, that he sent downe to Plutus, prince of hell, and craued the company of diuers, of his acquaintance, which Plutus performed accordingly.
Thither rode great Alexander vpon the back of prauncing Bucephalus, brauely accompanied with Sardanapalus, king of Assiria, Queene Semiramis, and Ninus her sonpe, first founders of Babilon.
After these came Claudius Țiberius, the Romaine emperoyr, who, for the zeale hee had to the vintree, was merely termed Caldius Biberius mero: With him came Calgula, Nero, and Heliogabalus, Anthonie, Cleopatra, and such like.
After these again came stumbling in blind Homer, the Grecian poet, and with him came Aristophanes, Menander, and others ; and along with these came Virgil, Horace, Ouid, olde father Eunius, Geffery, Chaucer, Lydgate, Anthony Skelton, Will. Elderton, with infinite mo, whose seueral names to rehearse were no les labour, than to make a mouse to pisse ouer Paules, or a louse to leap ouer the high tops of Maluerne bills.
Moreouer, after these came young Cicero, who, for the large loose that he had in turning downe his liquor, was calling Bicongius; with him came the blockheaded Balatronus, and Vibidius, Mecenas trencher-mates, and that old huddle and twang Aristodemus, the shadow of Saint Socrates.
And Proserpina, the infernal queene, willing to honour Bacchus in what she might, releaseth Tantalus out of the riuer, causeth Sysiphus to cease from his tumbling taske, sets Ixion free from his tortyre, calls downe Prometheus, and compels the vultures, devouring his heart, to cease from their pray; and, for the time only that Bacchvs feast con, tinueth, she doth licence them al to depart.
Glad were they to be released, tho' but for a time, and glad was Bacchvs that it was his lot to welcome such willing guestes. · As Bacchvs was thus most busie amongst his friends, behold a reuerend route resorted towardst his court with a trumpet before them, sounding most melodivusly in token of great joy, for that they were so nere the pleasant paradice.of god Bacchvs. Who they were, from whence they came, and in what manner they appeared in presence, followeth as thus :
First of all came Dauid Drie-throat, from Lesbona in Portugale; in his band he held a peece well fild with wine of Canary, which with cap and knee he presented to god Bacchvs, and gave place to the rest.
Secondly, came Alexander Addlehead, from Dun Baur, a Scot, who offered to his god a dozen of red herrings, to season his mouth, before he sate downe to taste his liquor.
Thirdly, there skipt in a Spaniard, of the city of Logronio, named Blayner Bloblip, who gratifying his god with two limons, and an orange pill, with a most lowly legge he lept aside.
Fourthly, came wallowing in a Germane, borne in Mentz, his name was Gotfrey Grouthead ; with him he brought a wallet full of wood. cocks heads; the braines thereof, tempered with other sauce, is a passing preseruatiue against the alc-passion, or paine in the pate.
Fifthly, came posting in one Peers Spendall from Brundusium, an Italian frier, with a pot full of holy water, sprinkling to and fro, and round about him, to driue away the diuell, least hee should chaunce to come inuisible and deceaùe them of their drinke.
The sixth was one Frauncis Frånckfellow,a Corinthian, in the coasts of Achaia; with him he brought a box of oyle, that Bacchvs therewith might baste his belly, when it was ready to crack, with licking up ouerlauishly the small crums that tumbled out of his tunne.
The seuenth was one Simon Swil-kan; he came from Colops, a citie in Africa, and presented to Bacchvs a buttock of bacon; which, broyled on the coals, and so eaten, will set a man on longing for his liquor before sunne-shine, bee the morning never so moysty,
The eighth was of Capsa, a towne well known in Numidia; his name was Geffery Gooscap, and with him hee brought a nightcap for god Bacchvs great godhead, least, through his hot compotations in the day, his head should crow with cold consumptions in the night.
The ninth was a iolly gentlewoman, named Mistris Merigodown; she came from Archelais, a citie in Cappadocia, with a fanne of fethers in one hand, and a looking glasse in the other, which both she gaue to Bacchvs; the one to gather winde, Icast his breath shoulde faile him when he blew a long blast in a wine pot; the other to see his nose, least, continuing ouerlung in a fierie colour, it shoulde chance to be changed into a carbuncle.
The tenth was one Philip Filpot, brought up in Varica, a citie of Iberia, and one of the sect of Saint Sinckator *. This Philip was a phisition, and brought to his god Bacchvs a certaine potion, mardeilous in operation, of which whoeuer hee were that did drinke, after hee had been well whitled, by vertue thereof, if he once were asleepe, shoulde neuer awake till hee were wiser.
The eleuenth was a lewe, borne in Ioppa; hee had to name Christopher Crabface, a man famous in astrologie ; he brought in his hand a prognostication newly composed, which hee bestowed on god Bacchvs. In which booke hee had set largely down diuers detriments accidentall to this yeare: especially this I noted, that many drunkards, whiles they looked vpwards on high towards the inan in the moone, shall breake their necks downwards below in the bottome of a ditch.
The twelfth was Gilbert Goodfellow, from Arbila, an Assyrian; this · Gilbert was a butcher, and brought with him an hogs head, a sheepes tongue, and a calucs chauldron; the hogs head for harnesse against entreatie ; the sheepes tongue to temper his owne the better in telling of a true tale; and a calues chauldron to wrap up his noddle, least in the ende of a banquet his inward heate should fume out with a farewell to all good felloship.
The thirteenth came from Choka, a citie in Arabia, named Nicholas Neuerthriue, he brought with him a pudding pie, pretilic
powdered with such hot spices as his countrie plentifully doth afforde; which, being
i. e. A Back-Gammon Player,