THE MARQUIS OF ARGYLE'S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT, WITH HIS CHARACTER.. Quarto, containing sixteen pages. IN t N the name of Smectymnus and Hocus Pocus, so be it; I Archibald, Marquis of Argyle, the Devil's viceroy in the Highlands, and the most sacred covenant's protomartyr in the low, now a prisoner in the Talbooth at Edinburgh; calling to my mind, that my prefixed bargained term of years is even expired, and knowing that all the town cannot save me: Having recollected all my unparalleled rebellions, treasons, murders, rapine, plunderings, witchcraft, perjury, covetousness, and sacrilege, for which I do expect to receive good wages at the hands of my master, do make and ordain this my last will and testament, m manner and form following: First, Because it is of form to begin so, I believe, with Pythagoras, that souls do transmigrate, I myself being that very Machiavel that lived in Florence some two hundred years since; and therefore I will, that mine do forth with after my dissolution pass into one of his wildfowl, thence into a Soland goose, thence into a Scotch pedlar, thence into a man whom Lilly by the stars prognosticated, some ages to come, to be made a notorious cuckold, so that, by that means, it may be sure at last to come to heaven. Secondly, For my body (since the parliament so detest that horrid barbarism committed on the Marquis of Montrose, that they think it not fit to retaliate it upon me the prime author thereof) it being at my own disposal, I request my executors hereafter named, to see it solemnly interred with the spells of the directory, and laid so shallow, that, at the next trump of sedition, it may by the same raise-devil directory be conjured up again, and meet my exalted head, that bound-mark of presbytery, its ne plus ultra, Hitherto shall you go and no further: But I forbid then any such superstitious procession, as to my scandal, and great offence of the brethren, was used to the gathered relicks of that late loyal martyr. As for my worldly goods and estate with which the covenant, that goddess Diana, hath blessed me, I say to it, Presto Jupiter, lightly come, lightly go, the wicked cavaliers will divide the spoil; what was got by oppression, will be booned away by the King's liberality: Had mine been a mean fortune, it had not probably met with such extremes. Nevertheless, my dear brethren in affliction, I have also a portion for you; as I had time and opportunity of getting, so I had the wisdom of hiding and concealing, and what I thus preserved I give and bequeath in manner following: Imprimis, For that great reverence and religion I owe to the solemn league and covenant, I give a thousand pounds to the pastors and ministers of the church of Geneva, towards the erecting a shrine, or building a sanctuary, for the covenant, now persecuted and driven out of these three kingdoms; whose sacred ashes, if they can be found, I will also to be there deposited in a golden urn, to be provided at the charge of my executors: Streightly requiring, that no tapers, lamps, torches, links, or other lights, be used near the said shrine, or in the said sanctuary; it being popish, heretical, and impious, and most abominable, And I do hereby lovingly request the said church, since our kirk hath lost its keys, immediately to excommunicate the London hangman, and all other persons whatsoever, who have had any hand in burning, or otherwise prophaning that most holy thing. Item, I give 20001, more for founding a college or fraternity there, to be christened by the name of the Society of the covenant, and for founding a covenant reader in that university, hoping that well disposed presbyters will so add to this foundation, that, in a short time, it may rival for villainy with that of the Jesuits. f Item, Whereas the sad case of Dr. Burges hath mightily affected the tender bowels of the sisters, who complain there is not a stone by a stone of all his late purchases, particularly the great loss he hath had by the fire of the covenant in his deanery of Wells, to his utter undoing, and for which he is never likely to have a brief, I bequeath to him the sum of 5001. it being a good competency to keep him in Bedlam all the remainder of his life. ") Item, I give to that little David of the covenant, that champion of presbytery, Mr. Zachary Crofton, an augmentation of 1001. per annum, as long as St. Peter's bonds abide; and that, through any discourage ment or restraint, he may not faint and fall away, I add a noble a day for caudles and cordials, charging him to stand manfully for the cause, be being the chief standard-bearer, in which this impress is written, Tu patronus, si tu deseris, nos perimus. Item, As next in order, I give to Mr. Jenkins, not out of respect to his love of the covenant, for Satan, that buffeted him, knows how weak he is in that point; but for his seditious preachments, for his turbulency of spirit, and restlessness against the King's government, 500l. I know that is too much, for I detest a recanter with all my heart, and it is not according to our strict discipline to revoke a tittle: But, seeing how near the brink presbytery is brought, all things must be done to support it, and therefore we must make use of renegado's.-Hang him, he shall have it; but the devil do him good with it, if he recants again, Item, I will give 10,000l. for erecting a seminary of such rogues in Eutopia, for I cannot persuade myself, there will ever be the like in any of these three kingdoms. Item, Not to forget Dr. Wilkinson, I give him 20s. to mend the bellows of his mouth and nose, against the next opportunity of blowing up the flames of a civil war; and for his subdeanery of Christ-church, Oxon, a fart. Item, To Mr. Poole with the red head (I like him the better for that) I give 300 marks to buy him some manners, and 500 marks to buy him more wit, else presbytery will soon lose a prating, nonsensical Cacafuego, and his parish a troublesome tithemonger. Item, To all those old presbyterian serpents that have slipped their skins, and are winding themselves into favour, in the a la mode cassock,' and, in a submissive compliance, lick the dust of the bishop's foot, and yet keep their venom within their teeth, I bequeath to each a Scotch thirteen-pence half-penny, for the use of Esquire Dun, who shall shew them slip for slip. Item, I give 4001. for the building of an alms-house, for the enter taining of all antiquated, exauthorated elders, who cannot sufficiently or quietly live in their own parishes. Item, I give 1000 marks for the building of an hospital or pest-house, for all such as are or shall be infected with the Scotch plague, that is, such as want cloaths, money, and friends. Item, To the several sects of anapabtists, fifth monarchy-men, quakers, &c. I give respectively ten groats, to redeem their meetinghouses, on condition they do not jeer that covenant in which they voluntarily perjured themselves. Item, All my offices and preferments whatsoever I give freely to those who are disabled to bear any in England. Item, For perpetual memory of presbytery, I give 1001. for the casting the figure of the dog in brass, that lay with the elder's maid, to be placed where the last provincial classis was held in London, as a desk for the directory. Item, To any that can, or shall prove presbytery to be Jure Divino, I will give him three kingdoms; for then they will not be worth the having, and the devils proffer, and my legacy, will be all one. Item, I give to the wife of Oliver Cromwell, for his keeping the covenant in the right sense by murdering the King, a groat a day. Item, I give to the late Secretary Thurloe my debt due to me from his master and the Rump, for monies expended by me for their use in Scotland, which was to be repaid me out of the commission for discoveries, when I was last in London, by Oliver's direction. I understand, and I thank him he hath made so large a progress in discovering, that be can pay it now to himself-The devil was in me to suffer such a pitiful fellow to whiddle before me. Item, I give my debentures to Captain. George Withers, Esq. to purchase more bishops lands, in lieu of those he sacrilegiously kept before; and that he may never cease scribbling of rhymes, I will not give him a farthing. Item, I give to the independant gathered churches, under the cure and teachings of Cockain, Brooks, &c. all the ill qualities of our gasping kirk, that by the impudence and deceit of their pastors, their ruin also may be expedited, Item, I give to the clerk of Mr. Calamy's church a ring to wear for my sake, for his great superlative zeal yet manifested to the covenant Item, To all the sons and daughters of presbytery, who now mourn and lament, I give a medal (with my squint eyes in it, leering after other times, and a better day) to dry up their tears. All these legacies and bequests I will and order my executors to perform and pay, the morrow of the next puritan reformation in England, or at St. Tib's Eve, at farthest, without any covin or delay. As for my own country, relations and friends, I do also dispose of my estate to them, as followeth : 1 will, therefore, first, That the whole Scotch nation be put into mourning, in remembrance of those ruins, dishonour, conquest, and slavery, which my covenanting covetous designs have brought upon it; tho' I would not have my brethren of the presbytery lay that so much to heart, as that they are like to do so no more. As to my sept, so famous heretofore in this kingdom, as I never did them good in my life, so they cannot expect otherwise at my death; they have a Scotch privilege now to beg or steal where they please, without any frustraneous dependence or expectance on my greatness; if my name will do them any service, they may make use of it and stern, since they are, I fear, rejected of God and man. Item, To my dear Lady, I give and bequeath her full and intire jointure, which was settled firm enough by law before, thanking her for all the kindness and benevolence I had from her, when my keeper was out of the way. . Item, To my hopeful son, the Lord Lorne, I give the inheritance of my qualities, leaving him an equal portion and share of estate and honour; the first I forfeited from him, and the last he never had from me, nor is like to be capable of, since he must continue and preserve my hated nature: I give him my unnecessary blessing, as it is prescribed in that most exact form in the directory. Item, To the rest of my sons and daughters, since I cannot be too indulgent a father, I advise, for their great consolation, to read the Spanish curate, and take what portions they please. Item, To all my servants and retainers, who I doubt not have learned from me, their master, to carve for themselves, without bidding, all they can cheat and purloin from my estate, as well as others, besides my pronsim of oat-meal for their lives, and hemp for their deaths. Item, To my vassals of my seigniory, I give their long desired. freedoin. Item, To the poor of my parish, for every curse they give me, the sum of 000. And I do make and ordain my loving and intimate friends, Archibald Johnson, Lard Wareston, and William Dundass, sometime governor of Edinburgh Castle, executors of this my last will, to whom I freely give all the rest and residue of my whole estate not hereby disposed, requesting them, by all the obligations of conscience and honesty, to compeer suddenly in this kingdom, and take upon them the execution of the premisses; no way doubting or mistrusting, but that they shall be well rewarded. All this I ratify and confirm by the mysteries of the stool of repen tance, on which I devoutly set my breech, and having done, sealed it with a And I do hereby revoke all former wills by me made, as not being framed according to that holy pattern of the covenant, from which, under damnation, no man may recede a tittle; and which I will further to be cut in brass, and laid upon my tomb-stone.. Done in the presence of Sir John Chersly, David Lesley. Subscribed, The Character of the late Marquis of Argyle, ARGYLE SO many remarkable accidents, such alterations of government, affairs of such moment and intrigues of states, do fall in with this Marquis's memoirs, that it will rather seem a history, than a character, to speak him out. His birth rendered him very noble, and his education proffered him the advantage of making it nobler, though for that he was beholden to the first temper of the times, being by his late Majesty, to oblige from the rebellion then on foot, created a Marquis, He was of stature something exceeding the mean, like his own country, men the Highlanders, with a biguess proportionable to it, his face some what long, his cheeks wide, the hair of his beard red, his eyes very much a-squint, so that he was nicknamed, in Scotland, Gleed Argyle; which remembers me of that proverb-Quem Deus in oculo notavit, hunc caveto. There will no more need to be said of his person, which the hands of the executioner have so lately profaned; nor was there any thing is him that was so good remarkable as to invite to be curious, and it will be best for him that he sleep forgotten, lest the remarks of his face should fright fanciful people like a spectre. He was one of that wicked triumvirate, who began, continued, and lived to the end of our troubles. A most dexterous artist in that prime quality of a Scot, dissimulation, which was the ground-work of all the exploits he did after. If ever be seemed what he was, though that be not to be over-believed, it was in the matter of the covenant, which he entered into so eagerly and resolutely, and left it, and the world together, so confidently and avowedly; and yet the middle agreed with neither, when, in the crisis of the sincerity, honesty, and loyalty of that libel, which it so highly boasted of, as to the maintenance of the King's person, dignity, and authority: By this Marquiss's counsel, his late Majesty was delivered into the hands of the English at Newcastle. But it is most evident, that the right spelling of Covenant is Covetousness, and, according to |