Yet therein a father pays but a just debt. Wedlock gave him the good gift; to wedlock, then, he owes it.' THE HEROINE OF A LOVE STORY. A mere thing of goose-quill and foolscap; only born in a garret to be buried in a trunk.' 'PEWS. What a sermon might we not preach upon these little boxes! small abiding-places of earthly satisfaction, sanctuaries for self-complacency in God's own house, the chosen chambers for man's self-glorification! What an instructive colloquy might not the bare deal-bench of the poor church-goer hold with the softcushioned seat of the miserable sinners who chariot it to prayers, and with their souls arrayed in sackcloth and ashes, yet kneel in silk and miniver.' 'ONE LEG IN THE GRAVE. before they put in the other. People with one leg in the grave are so devilish long They seem like birds, to repose better on one leg.' JERROLD met ALFRED BUNN one day in Jermyn-street. BUNN stopped JERROLD, and said: What! I suppose you're strolling about, picking up character.' 'PICKING UP CHARACTER. 'JERROLD: 'Well, not exactly; but there's plenty lost hereabouts.'' 'THE POSTMAN'S BUDGET. — A strange volume of real life is the daily packet of the postman! Eternal love, and instant payment! Dim visions of Hymen and the turnkey; the wedding-ring and the prison bolt! Next to come upon the sinful secrets of the quiet, respectable man the worthy soul, ever virtuous because never found out — to unearth the hypocrite from folded paper, and see all his iniquity blackening in white sheet! And to fall upon a piece of simple goodness- a letter gushing from the heart; a beautiful unstudied vindication of the worth and untiring sweetness of human nature - a record of the invulnerability of man, armed with high purpose, sanctified by truth.' THE PENALTY OF THE DINER-OUT. He must have a passionate love for children. He must so comport himself, that when his name shall be announced, every child in the mansion shall set up a yell — a scream of rapture shall rush to him, pull his 'coat-tails, climb on his back, twist their fingers in his hair, snatch his watch from his pocket; and while they rend his super-Saxony, load his shoulders, uncurl his wig, and threaten instant destruction to the repeater, he must stifle the agony at his heart and his pocket, and to the feebly-expressed fears of the mamma that the children are troublesome, must call into every corner of his face a look of the most seraphic delight.' 'ENGLISH PRISONS DEFENDED. · An English prisoner in France loquitur: The prison here is tolerably strong, but not to be spoken of after Newgate. As for their locks, they have n't one fit for a tea-caddy. The rats at night come in regiments. We're allowed no candle; but we can feel as they run over our faces that they must be contemptible in the eyes of Englishmen.' "THE REASON WHY. - One evening at the Museum Club a member very ostentatiously said, in a loud voice: 'Is n't it strange, we had no fish at the Marquis' last night? That has happened twice lately. I can't account for it.' Nor I,' replied JERROLD, 'unless they ate it all up stairs.'' 'PAYING BY THE CLOCK. You have charged me for a full-priced breakfast,' said a complaining guest, looking at his bill; and all I had was a cup of milk and a chip of toast!' You might have had coffee and eggs for the same money,' replied the waiter. "Ah! cried the guest, then it seems you charge according to the clock: and if a man was to have only eggs at dinner-time, I suppose he'd have to pay for full-grown turkeys.'' 'ITALIAN BOYS.-I never see an Italian image-merchant with his Graces and Venuses and Apollos at six-pence a head, that I do not spiritually touch my hat to him. It is he who has carried refinement into the poor man's house; it is he who has accustomed the eyes of the multitude to the harmonious forms of beauty.' "THE COMFORT OF UGLINESS.-We cannot say—and in truth it is a ticklish question to ask of those who are best qualified to give an answer-if there really be not a comfort in substantial ugliness; in ugliness that, unchanged, will last a man his life; a good granite face in which there shall be no wear and tear. A man so appointed is saved many alarms, many spasms of pride. Time cannot wound his vanity through his features; he eats, drinks, and is merry, in despite of mirrors. No acquaintance starts at sudden alteration - hinting, in such surprise, decay, and the final tomb. He grows older with no former intimates-church-yard voices-crying, 'How you're altered!' How many a man might have been a truer husband, a better father, firmer friend, more valuable citizen, had he, when arrived at legal maturity, cut off-say, an inch of his nose!' 'A WIFE AT FORTY. My notion of a wife at forty,' said JERROLD, 'is, that a man should be able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties.' 'AN ERROR CORRected. — Jerrold was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that JERROLD had expressed his disappointment. FRIEND (to JERROLD :) I hear you said was the worst book I ever wrote.' JERROLD: No, I did n't. I said it was the worst book any body ever wrote." THE OSTRICH NO GLUTTON. The ostrich ought to be taken as the one emblem of temperance. He lives and flourishes in the desert; his choicest food a bitter spiky shrub, with a few stones- for how rarely can he find iron-how few the white days in which the poor ostrich can, in Arabia Petræa, have the luxury of a ten-penny nail, to season, as with salt, his vegetable diet. And yet a common-councilman, with face purple as the purple grape, will call the ostrich - glutton.' -- 'A ROYAL PRINCE IN THE CRADLE. He sleeps, and ceremony, with stinted breath, waits at the cradle. How glorious that young one's destinies! How moulded and marked expressly fashioned for the high delights of earth-the chosen one of millions for millions' homage! The terrible beauty of a crown shall clasp those baby temples; that rose-bud mouth shall speak the iron law; that little, pulpy hand shall hold the sceptre and the ball. But now, asleep in the sweet mystery of babyhood, the little brain already busy with the things that meet us at the vestibule of life; for even then we are not alone, but surely have about us the hum and echo of the coming world- but now thus, and now upon a giddying throne! What grandeur, what intensity of bliss, what an almighty heritage to be born to-to be sent upon the earth, accompanied by invisible angels, to take possession of!' 'THE BATTLE OF POVERTY. - Great are the odds against poverty in the strife. How often is the poor man, the compelled QUIXOTE, made to attack a wind-mill in the hope that he may get a handful of the corn that it grinds? and many and grievous are his buffets ere the miller - the prosperous fellow with the golden thumb-rewards poor poverty for the unequal battle.' THE RELIGION OF SHOW.-There are a good many pious people who are as careful of their religion as of their best service of china, only using it on holiday occasions, for fear it should get chipped or flawed in working-day wear.' 'THEATRICAL 'STARS.'- I knew a pork-butcher who gave it out that he fattened all his pigs upon pine-apples; he sold them for what price he liked; and people having bought the pigs, swore they could taste the pine-apple flavor. It's much the same with many of the 'stars:' managers have only to declare that they give 'em ten, twenty, or fifty pounds a night, and the sagacious public proportion their admiration to the salary received.' 'SOMETHING TO LOVE. - The human heart has of course its pouting fits; it determines to live alone; to flee into desert places; to have no employment, that is, to love nothing; but to keep on sullenly beating, beating, beating, until death lays his little finger on the sulky thing, and all is still. It goes away from the world, and straightway, shut from human company, it falls in love with a plant, a stone, yea, it dandles cat or dog, and calls the creature darling. Yes, it is the beautiful necessity of our nature to love something.' JERROLD certainly 'well bespeaks his own praise' in several of these brief but pregnant passages. 'The Mother's Night-Watch' begins simply and well: why could n't the writer 'keep on so?' We quote the two opening verses: THE white stars rest- the pale-faced moon is sleeping: A wintry wind uplifts the cold year's shroud: Blast howls to blast: moan answers moan, past sweeping, 'Cold, cold it is!-oh! bitter cold, and dreary! A mother watches as the darkness wears; Her children dream, twined in red arms and cheery; There is nature and there is force in this limning: but as the writer goes on, he 'kind o' gin's eöut.' A LATE English journal, the 'Inquirer,' informs us that it is the ultimate object of Queen VICTORIA'S government to have telegraphic communications scattered all over the 'face of the globéd airth.' This is the calculation: "THE estimate of distance runs to this effect: from Falmouth (in the south of England) to Gibraltar, the distance is less than 1000 miles; from Gibraltar to Malta the distance is 988 miles; from Malta to Alexandria it is 815 miles; from Suez to Aden, 1310 miles; from Aden to Bombay, 1664 miles; from Bombay to Point de Galle, 960 miles; from Point de Galle to Madras, 540 miles; from Madras to Calcutta, 780 miles; from Calcutta to Penang, 1213 miles; from Penang to Singapore, 381 miles; from Singapore to Hong Kong, 1437 miles; from Singapore to Batavia, 520 miles; from Batavia to Swan River, 1500 miles; from Swan River to King George's Sound, 500 miles; and from King George's Sound to Adelaide, 998 miles. From Adelaide to Melbourne and Sydney there will shortly be a telegraphic communication over-land. From Trinity Bay, in Newfoundland, to Bermuda, the distance is about 1500 miles; from Bermuda to Inagua, the distance is about 1000 miles; from Inagua to Jamaica it is 300 miles; from Jamaica to Antigua, 800 miles; from Antigua to Demerara, via Trinidad, 800 miles; from Antigua to St. Thomas's, 227 miles; from Jamaica to Greytown, via Navy Bay, 1000 miles; and from Jamaica to Belize, 700 miles. 'Thus, then, all the British settlements, dependencies, and colonies in the Peninsula, Mediterranean, Arabia, India, China, Australia, the West-Indies, and Central America could be joined to England by shorter sub-marine cables than that which at present connects Ireland with Newfoundland, and without their touching any powerful foreign State. The aggregate length of these cables would be about 21,000 miles, and, reckoning twenty per cent for slack, the whole length would not measure more than 24,000 miles. These cables would place England in almost instantaneous communication with upwards of forty colonies, settlements, and dependencies, situated 20,000 miles apart, in the eastern and western hemispheres. The mere shipping telegrams to and from all these places and England would be of incalculable importance to merchants, ship-owners, and sea-faring people; and the political telegrams would be of infinite value to the Imperial and Colonial Governments.' The cost of this will be a mere trifle - twenty-five millions of pounds sterling, or so and when they get it all done, we won't rejoice with them one particle on this side: they would n't rejoice with us over the laying of the Atlantic cable, and now they can stretch their wires to the crack of doom, without exciting the slightest commiseration on this side of the great herring-pond! 'MR. ARTEMAS WARD, Esq.,' the great showman, as we gather from a Cleveland (Ohio) correspondent, has turned his attention to letter-writing for the public press: and his latest effort in this kind is a description of a Cable Celebration in Little Peddlington, or a place which will exactly answer its description, we dare say, in Indiana, hight Baldinsville.' We correct Mr. WARD's orthography somewhat in the extract which we make from his epistle; but even as it is, it is remarkable enough, in all conscience. The broad burlesque upon small public celebrations of great events and of patriotic public advertising, is very rich. Locking up his kangaroo and his wax-works, he repairs to the scene of the celebration: BALDINSVILLE was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can i forgit the sublime speckticul which met my gase as i alited from the Staige with my umbreller and verlise. The Tarvern was lit up with taller kandles all over, & a grate bong-fire was burnin in frunt thareof. A Transparancy was tied onto the sinepost with the follerin wurds: Giv us Liberty or Deth. Old TOMKINSIS grosery was illumernated with 5 tin lanturns and the follerin Transparancy was in the winder: The Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank-road the 2 grate eventz of the 19th century: may intestines strife never mar their grandjure.' SIMPKINSIS shoe shop was all ablas with kandles and lanturns. A Americun Eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder, also these wurds, viz: 'The Constitooshun must be Preserved.' The Skool-house was lited up in grate stile, and the winders was filled with mottoes, amung which i notised the follerin: Trooth smashed to erth shall rize agin: YOU CAN'T STOP HER.' 'The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whense awl but him had Fled.' Prokrastinashun is the theaf of Time.' 'Be virtoous & you will be Happy.' Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of trubble; shun the Bole:' and the follerin sentimunt written by the skool-master, who graduated at Hudson Kollige: 'Baldinsville sends greetin to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has heretofore previous bin felt between the Supervizers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutehuns. Baldinsville this night rejoises over the gellorious event which sementz 2 grate nashuns onto one anuther by means of a elecktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. QUOSQUE TANTRUM, A BUTTer, CaterLINY, PATIENT NOSTRUM!' 'Squire SMITH's house was lited up regardlis of expence. His little sun WILLIAM HENRY stood upon the roof firin of crackers. The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer-clothes and stood on his door-step wigglin' his swoard, and p'intin' it sollumly to a American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his house. Frequiently he wood take off his cocked hat & wave it round in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis IsaBELLER SMITH, who has jest cum home frum the Perkinsville Female Institoot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West room as the goddiss of Liberty, & sung 'I see them on their windin' way.' 'Booteus 1!' sed I to myself, ‘you air a angil & nothin shorter!' N. BONAPARTE SMITH, the 'Squire's oldest son, drest hisself up as VENUS the God of Wars, and red the Decleration of Independense from the left chamber winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't jine in the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnalest nonsense she ever see. Sez she to the 'Squire, 'Cum into the house and go to bed, you old fool you. Tomorrer you'll be goin' round half-ded with the rumatism & won't gin us a minit's peace till you git well.' Sez the 'Squire, 'BETSY, you little appresiate the importance of the event which I this night commemerate.' Sez she, 'Commemerate a cat's tail!'- cum into the house this instant, you old dolt, yew!' 'Betsy,' sez the 'Squire, wavin' his sword, 'retire!' Doctor HUTCHINSIS offis was likewise lited up and a Transparaney, on which was painted the Queen in the act of drinkin sum of 'HUTCHINSIS Invigorator,' was stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty newspaper offis was also illumenated, & the follerin mottoes stuck out: The Press is the Arkermejian lever which moves the world.' 'Vote Early.' 'Buckle on your Armer.' 'Now is the time to Subscribe.' 'FRANKLIN, MORSE & FIELD.' 'Terms $1.50 a year: liberal reducshuns to clubs.' In short, the villige of Baldinsville was in a perfeck fewroar.' Perhaps some among the several hundreds of thousands who witnessed our metropolitan Cable Celebration' may have remarked the great exemplars of 'Dr. HUTCHINGS' in advertising. OUR friend, the writer of 'Weenonah, ye Exceedynglie Sorrowfull Legende of ye Lake Pepin,' has been reading the wonderful exploits of 'Captain DAVIS, JONATHAN R.,' of Rocky Cañon, California, communicated by Mr. SPARROWGRASS some time since to these pages. His 'suffusion' begins very characteristically of that artistic production. We can only spare room for a 'specimen-brick : 'KNOW ye the land of crystal streams, Of giggling brooks and laughing water, In all that eye or heart can prize, In blooming earth and gorgeous skies That PHOEBUS paints when the day-light dies? Know ye the land where the Red Man's song, (I mean the Song of HIAWATHA,) Still echoes the hills and groves among, In accents as guttural and strong As ever were heard in Saxé-Gotha? Where MANITO sits on his rock-raised throne, This shows a 'cunning hand' at verbal freedom, and adroit imitation: but correspondent of the New-York Times' daily journal, in a recent letter to that print, says: 'All your readers who have ever visited Paris, will recollect the two magnificent buildings which close in the Place de la Concorde, on the side next the Madelaine. They were built by Louis PHILIPPE, one for the Ministry of Marine, and the other for the safe-keeping of the furniture of the State, and called the Garde Meubles. The first is still occupied by the Ministry of Marine, but the other is divided into four residences, |